IM BACK, BABY

heeeeey guuys!!! IM BAAAAAAACK! Im so happy to be back!




First things first:
i wanted to apologize for just leaving like that without really explaining and for going away for too long.



secondly, I MISSED YOU



Here is where i explain why i was gone for so long. My grandmother died in the beginning of last October. the second day of eid. If you read my previous posts you would understand how much she meant to me as a mother, a mentor, and a friend. I have lost all three of them in one day. this is how i found out.




I woke up in the morning, went to her bed, and kissed her on the head.



"9aba7 il 5air, yoma!"




she looked up at me with the most clearest eyes and smiled. Ya nas her face was soo clear and so bright that i actually thought she was getting better.



"5alti ta3alay shofay wayiha! yihabil mashallah! sh3alaich yoma! il 7iloo, 7iloo la gam min il nom"




i was soo relieved! chan agool 7g 5alti tabeeni asawi shay gabil ma amshi? galat la ro7ay.




so i went to my friend's house. hatha kila il 9ob7 by the way.




fa i went to my friend's house oo tarayagt 3indaha oo chan anam in her room.




i woke up startled il ma'3arb min the phone.




"eulalia! ta3alay il7en! omich maree6'a!!" my mom was crying on the phone.
"shfeeha yoma! 3almeeni!" she closed the phone.




"Silver li7gay yaditee feeha shay!"



silver got dressed really fast and while she was dressing i got another call




"....*crying* eulalia wainich??....ta3alay bsir3a!"
"3almooni sh9ayer may9eer idigoon oo tabchoon!!! 3ALMOONI! OMI SHFEEHA???"




my sister closed the phone.




rikabna the car ana wiya silver oo eshda3wa binroo7 my grandma's house.




Finally the last call came.




" *weeping* eulalia...3a6'im allah ajrich.."




i broke down




Thank god i had good poeple in my company.




wi9alna il bait nizalt min il sayara oo dashait. The house was dreadfully silent and still. All i can hear is the quraan.






rikabt il daray oo dashait il 9ala shift her body...my knees buckled i couldnt stand up.




msikooni wadoni il '3orfa oo galooli itha tabeen tshofeenha la tabcheen 3indaha. So i composed myself.




I walked to her bed like i did this morning but instead of seeing her eyes looking up at me they were closed. i kissed her on the head.




"ma3asalama, yoma."




i ran to a room and cried.




i wasn't there when it happened.




i wasn't there to hold her hand.




i wasn't there to tell her i love her.




i wasn't there to say goodbye.




i felt so empty, so without purpose. Just when i thought she couldnt teach me anymore.




I saw her right index finger held up in the air.




la ilaha il allah! allahom as2aloka 7isn il 5atima.